I’ve really been wrestling with is this the best idea. Is it REALLY necessary for me to completely ignore my initial gut reaction of NO and completely break down my walls and start to let people in. Is my story even worth mentioning? Well. I guess that is for any one who chooses to read this to decide.
So Hi. I am, in a nutshell; a mother, wife, daughter of Christ and an advocate for children. I always knew I was going to in some way support children, but I guess I never realized exactly how exhausting and messed up this world can be- especially when you are ankles deep in someone else’s kids poop.
As a child, I always felt like I didn’t have a voice, or that no matter how loud I was- I would never be heard. I have a deep rooted history in guilt and shame paired with a 9/10 ACE score and have really wrestled with those demons as an adult. When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, at 16 years old, I knew that I would be in charge of breaking this cycle and the weight of that still terrifies me to this day- 2 more kids and a PTSD diagnosis later.
Being a young, single mother came naturally to me. I had always felt unbalanced or unwanted but my son kept me grounded. My kids have always given me purpose and fulfillment in a world of sucky adults determined to make you feel less than. Kids have an interesting way of loving you in a way you just know is genuine, and it is hands down the best part of my job and being a mother.
But the pressure….
It’s not like you have a child and are handed a clear direction on where to go, especially at 17 years old; yet somehow every one expects you to be performing as if it were easy and perfect and god forbid you make any mistakes. I remember being roughly 20/21 years old and having to get a restraining order put in place because my son’s paternal grandmother had been awarded COURT ORDERED visitation and used SCRATCHING as a punishment for him “being bad,” and in the line my toddler at the time had a huge meltdown! Everyone just looked at me like I was some sort of crazy person without understanding the journey it even took for us to get to that moment. My journey has constantly been overlooked and replaced with judgement and criticism. I’m here to call it out.
On the flip side of Trauma is Resiliency, and man oh man have I overcome. I created this blog to be a safe space to document His victories. To process what the purpose of this messed up, backwards, upside down life is and help keep it all straight. I am more than the sum of my past mistakes, and I hope you embark on this journey of healing and enlightenment with me. Thank you for reading and hope that you come back as I begin to share more and more of the inner workings of this Behavior Mama Brain.